Monday, 27 February 2012

A very hard couple of Weeks

So. . . I haven't posted in a while and have had some very UPS and DOWNS in the last couple of weeks.

Only my close family (not even all my close family) and friends know of the rollercoaster I've been on lately. But I feel the need right now to divulge this information.

I have had a miscarriage. I was terrified knowing that I was pregnant to begin with and had unfortunately made the decision to have a termination done. It was very hard and scary to think of what had to be done. I was only in a new relationship (that has had its ups and downs also - but seems now to be straightening itself out), and to be honest, I didn't want to be a Mum again. I know its selfish to say, that I felt like I'd done my duty with my two gorgeous girls. I did the late nights, the nappies, the toilet training, the first days of school, the teaching, the taking to doctors, the cleaning up of vomit, the breastfeeding, the worry and the good times too. . . I honestly didn't want to go threw it all again. And the guilt of 'getting rid of' a potential child, when others try so hard to have a family and cant. . . was quite depressing and confronting for me.

I had my 30th Birthday party and was SUPRISED by my Mother (suprised is an understatement), who turned up without me knowing. As she had known about my predicament, I was so enthralled to have her with me at the trying time.

While she was here, I started suffering pains and ended up in hospital with a suspected ectopic pregnancy. Which to say the least, I was terrified at the thought of having surgery and had a slight panic attack when having to have a canula put in (I've got a bit of a phobia I think, since with my 2nd daughter I had to have around 6 or 7 of them "installed" while in hospital trying to give birth to her lol).

Good news: There was no ectopic pregnancy. Strange news: I was pregnant, with a sac. No baby had formed.

As my boyfriend said to me "Now you'll never have to regret making a decision. Because the decision never had to be made". Some relief for me. But I'll still dealing with some cramps, bleeding and the looming worry that I still may need a D&C (I think thats what they call it).

So needless to say, I haven't been working out lately. My eating habits have been half and half (half being bad and the other half being not at all). And there is guilt with that also. Starting to feel like a recluse, even tho I have all the support of my wonderful friends, my Mum and my gorgeous Man.

SO. There it is. Out of the bag. If you know me, please try not to shout these confidential words to the world. I've written this blog because I feel like I'm sitting on a terrible secret and it's eating me up. I dont feel like I should have anything to feel guilty about, but at the same time I feel guilty. I know I'm not the only one who has ever experienced something like this, but then, I'm sure everyone who goes thru this, does feel like they're the only one.

Let me start a new day tomorrow, and let it be a good one xo

Friday, 3 February 2012

Almost 30 and a Single mother

So, I know its been a while since my last blog :( I'm sorry!! The last couple of weeks have been hectic with a new man (I got rid of him already), spending time with my extended step family, and missing my children!! Whats worse is, in the last week I've only worked out once . . . Which was today. . . Upside I got to use my new Polar HRM :D YAAAY (big thanks to my Mum, got it for my birthday. . . and yes I opened it early lol)

So heres the thing. . . I had plans for my life. . . I was supposed to be married by now. . . own a house with my handsome husband. . . raising our beautiful kids together. . . happy. For a long time now, I've thought that I needed these things, I've thought that if I didn't have a husband or someone to grow old with or AT LEAST a boyfriend. . . that I really couldn't be happy. Now I've dated alot, I've had alot of boyfriends since the split with my kids Dad. . . and now its really gotten to the point where I'm not heart broken anymore when it ends, I just pick myself up and put myself right back in the game to search for that Mr Wonderful.

Heres the second thing. . . I have the most amazing children in the whole world!! Yes. . I am bias. . . But its also the truth!! Without them I am truly lost. I dont really like to do anything without them, they're my comfort blanket, even when they're at a sleepover I'm counting the minutes till they're home. I'm bored without them!! They are so much fun and make me laugh and have brilliant manners and help me with the housework. I dont like being without them :( They have been on holidays with their Dad for the past almost 6weeks. . . Home in 2 sleeps!! Very excited.

So. . . I've come to the conclusion, that I look to others to make me happy. I'm too afraid to try and make my own self happy. . . cause what if its just me. . . and I'm not good enough? What if I cant do it. . . thats why I've never tried or finished anything. I'm good with people and kids. . . no worries there. . . But I get depressed when I'm by myself. . . I dont like spending time alone. . . its just an excuse to drink then, so I dont have to feel horrible (I always do the next day tho lol)

My children deserve their Mum! I deserve to be happy and healthy! And I deserve to do it for me on my own. . . Of course I am accepting encouragement from others haha and I have a wonderful workout partner. But its time to face that chicky in the mirror. . . and say "Its ok, you'll be amazing, you'll look amazing, feel amazing and more than that you'll know you did it for you, and YOU did it"

Monday, 16 January 2012

Hellooooo Monday!

So, yesterday was awesome!! Well yesterday afternoon to be exact! Down at the beach in the afternoon for an hour doing our workout (me and my fellow 12WBTer Trish). We've only been working out together for a week and I feel so lucky that I've met someone who has the same fitness level (and sense of humour) as I have to work out with. Thankyou 12WBT. Its more than great to have someone encouraging you along the way, and encouraging them back!And also that we are both already feeling fitter and healthier and more ALIVE!!! Its an amazing feeling when I get home after, lunges, squats, burpies, planks, pushups, situps, side lunges, jumping jacks, sprints and jogging up and down the beach and I feel like I have more energy than when I left to go!! We managed to kill off 650calories (going by Trish's HRM, cause I have to wait till my birthday to get mine :P) GO US :D

So today I was naughty and had a lazy day, altho my eating has been all salad, lean chicken, tuna, ryvitas and ricotta cheese. . . So thats a good thing :D I still need to get myself a new Blood Glucose monitor, but I've been feeling good, so thats a plus (and also using the correct amount of insulin, so much YAY :P).

Unfortunately I've been completely broke for the past almost 3weeks. I've been living off $20 for the last week. . . and now there is only $1 left. Thank Jebus I get paid tomorrow!! I really need to stock the fridge with all that fresh fruit and veg and lean meats, am going to get myself a bit of kanga meat and try that. . . I also really need toothpaste!!!

So over the next few weeks we'll be doing all our pre-season tasks. Exciting!! already introduced myself weeks ago!! but did it again. . . I've got to follow the rules :D and I'm looking forward to the rest of the tasks to, and sinking my teeth into it. My birthday party is in a month, and I'd really like to start looking amazing by then, ya know, for the 30th birthday pics ;) and if I dont I'll mock some up later haha

So anyways, I'm off to do my grocery shopping tomorrow YAY and then beach workout in the arvo YAY. . . oh and did I mention I have a date on Wednesday night *wink wink*

Keep Keen Biatches xx

Saturday, 14 January 2012

The Beginning of the Sexy Biatch :D

So here is goes!!! The time has come. . . and what for you ask?? Well your a little nosey aren't ya?!? Just kidding.

Call me Sonya (cause thats ma name haha). No I dont look overweight (and I'm not even tho the BMI says I am - BMI is soooo rude!). So why did I join the 12WBT crew?? Well it started with a phone call to my mother after my boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me on boxing day, by a text message (uh huh, complete jerk, there is MORE to that story, but I think I'll leave him where he belongs, in my past). . . long story short, feeling down and sorry for myself, my mother kindly offered to pay for me to join and do this 12WBT, since she had previously done it last year and is doing it again this year. I was a little apprehensive and gave it some good thought, it got me to thinking, about my kids, about my health and about getting so damn sexy he'd rather castrate himself than have broken up with me hahaha!

So I signed up a few weeks ago and since then have put more thought into who I want to become and about what sexy really is to me.

First a couple of things. I am a single mumma, I have two beautiful daughters, I call them my demon childlets but they are such amazingly well behaved kids, like most kids they still drive me batty haha but they know whose boss! haha
I'm a type 1 diabetic, who does not have her disease under control :(
I am a smoker (not a good thing with the diabetes) and I drink too much too often (also not a good thing with the diabetes)
My daughters are on holidays with their father until the 5th Feb. . . and I miss them like Crazy!! what kind of crazy?? Monkey on a cupcake kinda crazy!! yeah, THAT crazy. . . hehe "monkey on a cupcake" . . . . . . . . . .

SO, all these things got me to thinking. . .

1. My daughters deserve to have the best mother that I can possibly be. They have given me so much and have often been the source of my strength and want for life. Its time for me to MAKE that happen.

2. Turning myself into a sexy biatch means more to me than just looking damn fine!! It means having control of my body, my mind and my actions in life.

3. I want to be healthy and be able to run and jump and be active with my girls without dying from lack of oxygen!!

4. I need to take care of my diabetes now, to make sure I dont have terrible consequences later.

5. and then I thought about Gerard Butler with his shirt off for a while. . . . Mmmmm

Sooooooo, what steps am I taking so far?? Well, I've joined the 12WBT (duh) and I've started working out with a workout buddy!! which is very exciting for me, meeting new people and actually WORKING OUT!! Its only really been a week of this new active lifestyle and its hard as hell, but I'm already feeling better for it and also starting to maybe enjoy it a little. . . maybe. My drinking has been cut down immensely, mostly cause I cant afford it right now haha, but being by myself and not drinking is good, I"m learning that I'm fine without it. . . I am going back and forth with the smoking. . . I do, then I dont, then I do, then I do, then I dont . . . its a hard one to kick, but it will happen.

And I am doing this blog, to document what I'm doing in my life and how I'm feeling about it and I think it will help me keep on course and remember why I'm doing this. . . to snag Gerard Butler hahaha :p

Keep Keen Biatches xoxo