A very hard couple of Weeks

So. . . I haven't posted in a while and have had some very UPS and DOWNS in the last couple of weeks.

Only my close family (not even all my close family) and friends know of the rollercoaster I've been on lately. But I feel the need right now to divulge this information.

I have had a miscarriage. I was terrified knowing that I was pregnant to begin with and had unfortunately made the decision to have a termination done. It was very hard and scary to think of what had to be done. I was only in a new relationship (that has had its ups and downs also - but seems now to be straightening itself out), and to be honest, I didn't want to be a Mum again. I know its selfish to say, that I felt like I'd done my duty with my two gorgeous girls. I did the late nights, the nappies, the toilet training, the first days of school, the teaching, the taking to doctors, the cleaning up of vomit, the breastfeeding, the worry and the good times too. . . I honestly didn't want to go threw it all again. And the guilt of 'getting rid of' a potential child, when others try so hard to have a family and cant. . . was quite depressing and confronting for me.

I had my 30th Birthday party and was SUPRISED by my Mother (suprised is an understatement), who turned up without me knowing. As she had known about my predicament, I was so enthralled to have her with me at the trying time.

While she was here, I started suffering pains and ended up in hospital with a suspected ectopic pregnancy. Which to say the least, I was terrified at the thought of having surgery and had a slight panic attack when having to have a canula put in (I've got a bit of a phobia I think, since with my 2nd daughter I had to have around 6 or 7 of them "installed" while in hospital trying to give birth to her lol).

Good news: There was no ectopic pregnancy. Strange news: I was pregnant, with a sac. No baby had formed.

As my boyfriend said to me "Now you'll never have to regret making a decision. Because the decision never had to be made". Some relief for me. But I'll still dealing with some cramps, bleeding and the looming worry that I still may need a D&C (I think thats what they call it).

So needless to say, I haven't been working out lately. My eating habits have been half and half (half being bad and the other half being not at all). And there is guilt with that also. Starting to feel like a recluse, even tho I have all the support of my wonderful friends, my Mum and my gorgeous Man.

SO. There it is. Out of the bag. If you know me, please try not to shout these confidential words to the world. I've written this blog because I feel like I'm sitting on a terrible secret and it's eating me up. I dont feel like I should have anything to feel guilty about, but at the same time I feel guilty. I know I'm not the only one who has ever experienced something like this, but then, I'm sure everyone who goes thru this, does feel like they're the only one.

Let me start a new day tomorrow, and let it be a good one xo

Almost 30 and a Single mother

So, I know its been a while since my last blog :( I'm sorry!! The last couple of weeks have been hectic with a new man (I got rid of him already), spending time with my extended step family, and missing my children!! Whats worse is, in the last week I've only worked out once . . . Which was today. . . Upside I got to use my new Polar HRM :D YAAAY (big thanks to my Mum, got it for my birthday. . . and yes I opened it early lol)

So heres the thing. . . I had plans for my life. . . I was supposed to be married by now. . . own a house with my handsome husband. . . raising our beautiful kids together. . . happy. For a long time now, I've thought that I needed these things, I've thought that if I didn't have a husband or someone to grow old with or AT LEAST a boyfriend. . . that I really couldn't be happy. Now I've dated alot, I've had alot of boyfriends since the split with my kids Dad. . . and now its really gotten to the point where I'm not heart broken anymore when it ends, I just pick myself up and put myself right back in the game to search for that Mr Wonderful.

Heres the second thing. . . I have the most amazing children in the whole world!! Yes. . I am bias. . . But its also the truth!! Without them I am truly lost. I dont really like to do anything without them, they're my comfort blanket, even when they're at a sleepover I'm counting the minutes till they're home. I'm bored without them!! They are so much fun and make me laugh and have brilliant manners and help me with the housework. I dont like being without them :( They have been on holidays with their Dad for the past almost 6weeks. . . Home in 2 sleeps!! Very excited.


So. . . I've come to the conclusion, that I look to others to make me happy. I'm too afraid to try and make my own self happy. . . cause what if its just me. . . and I'm not good enough? What if I cant do it. . . thats why I've never tried or finished anything. I'm good with people and kids. . . no worries there. . . But I get depressed when I'm by myself. . . I dont like spending time alone. . . its just an excuse to drink then, so I dont have to feel horrible (I always do the next day tho lol)

My children deserve their Mum! I deserve to be happy and healthy! And I deserve to do it for me on my own. . . Of course I am accepting encouragement from others haha and I have a wonderful workout partner. But its time to face that chicky in the mirror. . . and say "Its ok, you'll be amazing, you'll look amazing, feel amazing and more than that you'll know you did it for you, and YOU did it"